


Happy, Now

by anenigmaticsmile



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Domestic, F/M, Tags Are Hard, married with a baby, sort of i mean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-01
Updated: 2017-08-01
Packaged: 2018-12-09 16:57:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11673291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anenigmaticsmile/pseuds/anenigmaticsmile
Summary: I've been trying to hold myself back from falling in love with you all over again.  (A confession, a little too late.)





	Happy, Now

            You watch as your baby is passed from arms to arms around the room.  Everyone wants the chance to hold him, the tiniest member of the family.  Your heart stutters in your chest every time he switches arms.  He's so small and his uncles are not and there is the irrational fear in the back of your mind that they're going to accidentally hurt him, even though you know they know how to handle an infant.

            “Hey,” Sehun calls out from beside you, “watch his head, will you?”  You feel the couch cushions lift as he starts to stand.  “You guys really need to be careful!”

            “Sit down, Sehun, this isn't the first baby we've held,” Baekhyun laughs.

            Your husband slowly sits back down next to you and you sigh as you lean into him.  _It's nice I'm not the only one panicking_ , you think as he absentmindedly wraps an arm around your waist.  Hopefully having the boys around to help coo over the baby for a few hours will help lower the stress of having a newborn in the house, once the initial nerves die off, of course.

            As your baby finally gets settled into one pair of arms – Chanyeol's arms, the giant doofus in his oversized sweater that must be _just_ the right amount of fuzzy because the baby is already starting to doze -, you pull your feet up onto the couch and tuck yourself carefully around a pillow.  Although you're sore, it's comforting to be holding something.  It amazes you how empty you feel without your baby in your arms.

            You watch Chanyeol rock your baby softly, trying to coax him to sleep.  It seems as though it's working – baby lets out a little yawn and sighs as he closes his eyes and brings his fists up towards his face.  You let yourself relax a little, let your own eyes start to shut.  They say the best practice when raising an infant is to sleep when baby sleeps.  Over the past week, you have decided that to be the soundest advice ever given.

            The peace lasts only seconds after your eyes close; you hear a tell-tale whimper and you groan.  A single minute.  You would sell your soul for _a single minute_ of peace.  No husband bothering you.  No friends visiting.  No baby crying.  No one demanding attention.  Just _quiet_.  _Sleep._   You groan again as the baby's whimpers become desperate mewling.  Sitting up, you hold your arms out, cursing a little as you notice yourself leaking.

            “Give him here,” you say, “He's probably just hungry.”

            Chanyeol ever-so-carefully picks his way over to you, anxiously holding your baby tightly as he tries to keep from tripping over himself.  It's been six years you've known him, and he's still gangly and uncoordinated as ever.  He passes your son over, that fuzzy sweater rubbing against your arms and you wonder, briefly, if you can steal it from him. It's so soft. The moment passes though, and your son is in your arms, mewling as loud as he can, trying desperately to get someone's attention.  You quickly give yours to him, rocking him side to side and hushing him.

            You go to pull off your t-shirt, baby balanced on your lap, but pause with your fingers on the hem.  “Hey, guys?” you say, “Unless you want to see me topless, you might want to leave.”

            There's a chorus of coughs and Sehun standing, telling everyone that there's food in the kitchen, a surefire way to move the boys.  Then it's just you and your baby and you pull your shirt over your head.

            “Shh, shh, it's okay, Mama's going to feed you, just be patient, please,” you plead with him.

            “I don't think he's listening to you,” comes a familiar voice.

            You don't even have to look.  “Baekhyun!  Go away!  Didn't you hear about the food?”

            “Not hungry.”  He flops down into the chair across from you.

            “The baby is,” you say, voice taut and irritated, “which means I'm going to have breasts out everywhere.”

            “I don't mind.”  He smirks at you, and it's such a familiar look that your heart shudders in your chest.  “It's not like I haven't seen it all before, baby.”

            And he's perfectly right.  He _has_ seen every last bit of you before.  You huff and unclasp your bra, exposing yourself.  You can feel him staring, but you refuse to look at him.  _He's seen it before_ , you remind yourself.  The baby latches on quickly, something that you are so grateful for – have been so grateful for.  A very soft moan slips past your lips as you feel the let-down, the milk that's been gathering in your breast for the past several hours, making it heavy and sore, all rushing down at once now that baby is attached.

            You know the comment's coming before you hear Baekhyun open his mouth.

            “If you sound like that just from being suckled, your husband needs to step up his game.  I certainly -”

            “Shut up.”

            He physically jolts in his seat, face screwing up.  “What?”

            “Shut up, Baekhyun.  I'm not putting up with that right now.”  You level him with a glare, and he sinks down into the cushions.  It works every time.  “Now,” you say, tone sharp but quiet, mindful of the infant, “if you want to sit in here with me, I'm not going to complain, but you need to be quiet.”  _And you need to respect me_ , didn't come out of your mouth, and you really hoped you didn't need to say it.

            Baekhyun whined once, then sunk into your chair, moping under the new rules.  He could mope all day for all you cared.  The two of you hadn't been together for years.  There was nowhere he got off talking like that.  Nowhere at all.

            By the time you switched baby to your other breast, the silence had gone from nice to uncomfortable and, honestly, suspicious.  You'd never known Baekhyun to keep his mouth shut for more than a few minutes.  Taking your chances, you look up from watching your baby nurse, only to find Baekhyun staring at you, a bizarre focus on his face.

            “Baekhyun.  Baekhyun.”  You wave your hand in his face.  “Earth to Baekhyun.  What's the news?”

            He blinks and smiles shyly.  Warning bells start going off.  Byun Baekhyun does not do “shyly”.  You sit back and wait, knowing that whatever's weighing on his mind will come out eventually.

            “Y/N, I...”  He takes a breath and tries again.  “Y/N, I think...ha...I've been trying to hold myself back from falling in love with you all over again.”

            And that was the last thing you were expecting.

            You recover quickly, though, asking, “Have you failed, then?”

            There are stars in his eyes as he looks at you, and you can feel yourself melting in exactly the same way you always did way back then, when you were just a couple of kids in love.  Reality snaps back in as your son's suckling dies off.  You lift him to your shoulder to burp him.

            Baekhyun shakes his head.  “I never had a chance.”

            Your heart plummets.  This isn't what you want to hear.  You wish you could say that you don't know what he's asking you right now.  You wish that you could say you weren't tempted, that your heart was closed to him forever, instead of trying to tug itself out of your chest to land in his palms.

            “Give it a few days,” you hear yourself saying, that little rational part that knows that you're in love with your husband, that knows that you're happy here.  “Give it a few days and you'll be in love with someone else.”

            His eyes drop and that piece of you that wants to see him bleed rejoices.  That piece of you that wants to see him hurt as much as he hurt you readies the blade that is your tongue, and strikes.

            “It's not like you haven't done it before.”

            “Y/N!”

            You stare at him.

            “Y/N...it's not like that.”  He's pleading now and his eyes are wide.  You never liked it when he looked like this, always preferring the soft expression as he woke in the morning.

            You can feel your baby falling asleep against your neck.  “Isn't it?  It's always been like that.”

            “No!  I _love_ you, Y/N.  I always have.  I always will.”  There are tears in his eyes, you're sure of it, and your heart is breaking, again.  You're not sure a heart is supposed to break this many times over one person.

            You press your lips together.  You know what he's asking.  You aren't sure you want to give it.

            “I can't pretend anymore, Y/N.  I can't pretend to be okay watching you have a life with my – our – friend.”  He leans forward in his seat, put his hand on your knee, stares at you with watery eyes.  “Y/N, all I'm asking is that you give me one more chance.”

            And that's the kicker.  You feel your son – your and Sehun's son – dig his little fingers into your shoulder, trying to find something to hold, be comforted by.  You let the breathing of this little body calm your heart, your soul, ground you.  The piece of you that is crying for Byun Baekhyun cracks, and you're able to answer him with a steady voice.

            “I don't _want you_ , Byun Baekhyun.  I'm _happy._ _With Sehun._ You don't get to come crawling back after watching me grow happy _without you_ and beg for me back.  You could have done this at any point in the past four years, but you choose now?  Now, when I'm happy, when I've just had my child.  Now,” the venom rises in your throat and you surprise yourself with just how _angry_ you are at him as hot tears start to fall.  “I am _happy_.  I am happier now than I _ever_ was with you.”  You laugh.  It's angry, sharp and pained, but it's still a laugh.  “Besides.  I _don't_ give third chances.”

            Baekhyun's mouth gapes open and he's so startled he doesn't notice the first tear fall.  “Y/N...”

            You aren't finished.  You aren't finished because there's still a part of your soul that wants so desperately to hold him in your arms and tell him that you don't mean it, that you love him and only him and always him.  You won't be finished until you set that piece of yourself in his hands for good.  “You say you're done pretending, Baekhyun?”

            He nods.

            “Then you should leave.  If you can't bring yourself to be around me, _happy_ , then you don't need to be here.”

            He knows what you're saying.  He closes his eyes and the tears spill down his face.  You've seen those paths a thousand times.  You stop yourself from reaching out and cleaning his tears.  While he processes what you've said, you grab your shirt off the back of the couch and redress, suddenly incredibly uncomfortable being exposed to him.

            “Please, Y/N,” Baekhyun sniffles.

            “I'm _happy,_ Baekhyun.”  Maybe if you say it loud enough your soul will snap back into place and make it true.

            He blinks hard.  Sighs.  Shakes his head and stands.  “If this is goodbye,” he starts.  Chokes.  “If this is it, can I at least have a kiss?”

            You can give him that, at least.

            He's everything you remember, but softer, gentler, more scared.  He's almost shaking, trembling against your lips.  Before, he'd have been aggressive, but now he lingers, light against your lips, a ghost already.  It's a small victory on your part, to let him linger.  To allow him this chastity when kissing another man's wife.

            Baekhyun breaks the kiss, far earlier than either of you'd like, far later than it should have been broken.  He bows to you, and this wordless goodbye somehow hurts more than any words ever could have.  You watch him leave the room before you let your eyes close and your body shake with sadness.  You hear the boys in the kitchen, surprised at Baekhyun's appearance.

            “I'll see you guys on Monday,” you hear him say, and your heart tears because _this is it_.  So many times you've told him to leave, and _this is it_.  This time, he's really gone.

            Your heart finally snaps in two at the sound of the front door slamming shut.

            Two deep breaths.

            “Y/N?”  Sehun.  Your husband.  “Is everything okay?”

            You force a smile.  Nod.  “Yeah.”

            You're _happy,_ here.


End file.
